Here I am embracing vulnerability!

TLDR(its not that long, please read); Grad school, excellence, limiting beliefs

Graduate school is intense. One reason being that people who don’t know each other very well must occupy the same tiny space 20+ hours a week together. Each person brings passion that is rooted in their background, culture and everything else; We are asked “What is your WHY?” about 482 times by the end of the first year; And someone cries at least once a week because realizing that the world works in horrific ways, that you can’t change things from the inside but the outside is underfunded and unorganized; that all aspects of life are complex, ambiguous, and moving constantly; that you are a part of the problem, and that you might be part of the answer but only if you completely shed all ounces of ego, really cracks your armor and makes you…feel things. This experience has been a continuous crisis— both terrible and immensely rewarding.

For those I have not ranted to about what occupies my mind and heart most of the time— my academic interests and personal passions lie at the intersection of personal/collective healing, justice, accountability, transformation, and restoration. Could I accurately define any one of these things? Absolutely not. I do, however, believe that there is a place where these things meet that is untapped in spaces focused on public safety and prison reform, and it for some reason (many good reasons) motivates me to have student loans in this economy.

This to me is the way I express my creativity as a designer. Like all good liberal arts kids that flirted with majoring in marketing, I know that there is no such thing as an original thought, and/but I do think that connecting dots in different ways to get different solutions is inherently a creative act that requires a creative practice. Some call it design thinking, or human centered design, or whatever the fuck, but really its just about practicing¹ anti-racism/colonialism/carcerality/(fill in the blank with anything terrible and oppressive) to transform the self and hopefully, eventually the systems.

At the beginning of my summer vacation before I launched into my summer internship working in the space between prosecutors and community members impacted by the criminal legal system, I spent a lot of time laying in grass, coloring, writing and trying to think of other things besides prisons :) like… WHO AM I? WHY AM I HERE? but like, passively, and not like I do it at 3 a.m. when I feel every second as grief for life moving towards impending death.

As I looked up at the shaking leaves of the fake city trees at McCaren park, I was suddenly taken by a thought about ~excellence~ (I love weed) that shockingly, and not surprisingly, illuminated a major part of me that needed some healing attention.

This is what I wrote:

Excellence

I think I really only like things that exceed my expectations

people, places, experiences, food, music, film, relationships…

Excellence- Outstanding, preeminent

Preeminent- Surpassing all others

towering above (google dictionary)

To say I love you—

so much— is adding a qualifier to something

that is already exceptional

Creativity is certainly excellence

To imagine, illustrate, narrate what has yet to be discovered

can the same creativity

be knowingly discovered twice?

Perhaps I am actually afraid of excellence

To be both attracted to,

yet afraid of creativity

Is that a limiting belief? shit

I love when people say they don’t know anyone like me

to exist outside of an expectation

is so much a part of me

To be validated in this touches my wholeness

And yet I resist the calling over and over —

And yet

I can recognize this validation in myself

I do in fact feel as if I live in my own world (head)

I too feel a little lost

and intrigued when I spend time with me

It’s also a bit tiring at times to feel that being static

would let you down

But is excellence not abundance?

Does creativity not beget creativity?

I am endless

I am not endless, but who I am is infinite

I hope to never stop discovering new parts of me

As tired as that will make me

Can I not afford that same grace to my creativity?

To be infinite, but energizing

Creativity is the antidote,

a sustained effort

to heal(?)

the limiting belief that I am not

who I am ???????????

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Thanks ya’ll for being here if you made it this far. I guess this lil newsletter is my way of accepting and sharing the ways I express myself as a creative human being— Something I know every person is in their own way, even if I try to sabotage myself out of believing it for myself (virgo problemz?).

I am nervous to start my second year of graduate school and delve deep into my thesis work (and myself). And I am excited to be pushed creatively, and to gather more tools to help nurture my own excellence in ways that plant seeds for a more healed world.

How might we hold each other accountable to each of our own excellence?

1. Everyone should read The Transformative Power of Practice by Ng’ethe Maina and Staci K. Haines